Phil's Story ~ Thoughts on Timing

A quick thought during all of this….Within the first few days of this, I can’t remember exactly when because the days are running all together, an interesting and alarming thought crossed my mind. I knew this was coming. Well not exactly this, but I had a feeling. Maybe not even a feeling but some experiences that had me think for a second.

Towards the beginning of the year I noticed a change between Phil and I. A good change. Not that things were bad, they were just a lot better. Maybe it wasn’t even better but my mind was enlightened to see and notice things different and to appreciate it. I noticed Phil’s kindness and care for me more. The way that he looked at me filled me with a deeper love. It was good. So good that I thought maybe we were being blessed with those moments because we would need them for one reason or another. The thought of losing Phil or something bad happening crossed my mind once or twice.

And now I wonder about all of this and why it had to happen and why the heck this year?!?! We’ve got enough serious things to deal with already on our plate that HAVE to be done this year. Brewer has his third open-heart surgery, The Fontan, scheduled for May 21^st. And I’m pregnant. A lot of fears try to sink their way into my mind. I wonder how I will be able to find the strength to endure each of these events pressed so closely together. I worry that there won’t be time in between them to recover and build up stamina to do the next. I worry about keeping our family united and strong. I worry about losing Phil to discouragement and depression and how to balance taking care of the boys and Phil. And I worry about having a baby. My babies have been so hard and it has been so hard for me. I’ll be really honest. Infants don’t come naturally to me. People say that they love the newborn phase or the babymoon but I don’t even know what that is! Boyd had colic and Brewer was a heart babe. The only reason I survived those babies was because of Phil. He is so good with them. He’s willing and darling and capable. I need him to do another.

I go back to timing, this time talking about pregnancy. Phil and I knew we wanted a third kid, but we didn’t know when the timing would be right. Actually it took a lot more than timing to figure out the logistics of having a kid. I had to deal with the thoughts of possibly having another baby with a heart defect. Would it be fair to that little person to be brought in to this world with something difficult like that? Is that being responsible? I’ve heard of a lot of families that have two HLHS kids in a row…something I don’t think I could do. The burden would be too much. As I pondered my thoughts and listened for guidance I was reminded that Heavenly Father is omniscient and omnipotent. He knows the plan. My plan. And the plan and course for our family. He’s in control, so trust. Trust in Him and in the plan of salvation.

After my heart accepted these thoughts I was able to let go of any guilt I was feeling or would have to face. So the conversations about timing and getting pregnant all had to do with Brewer’s third surgery. Would it be best before his 3^rd open-heart surgery? After? How do we know? In November and with the approaching 3^rd birthday of Brewer we started feeling like we needed to be a little more serious in our conversations. I got my IUD out, not planning to get pregnant yet, but just heading in that direction.  The conversations continued through November and December with no solution or answer. I thought about it constantly trying to decide what the pros and cons were of different timing. It was especially hard because while we knew that Brewer’s surgery would be in 2015, and most likely during the warm summer months, we didn’t know exactly when it would be. At the end of December/beginning of January we still couldn’t come up with an answer. Finally we turned it over to the Lord. He knew what was ahead, when Brewer’s surgery would be and what timing would be perfect. I was confident in that. So we fasted and continued to pray. Without being super proactive about being pregnant we found out 3 weeks later that I was pregnant.

I couldn’t believe it. In fact I had Phil come into the bathroom to check the test to make sure that I read it right. I had. I had the giddy nervous feeling that comes with it all--equal parts of being excited and nervous. And I figured it just had to be the right timing because it happened so fast. I immediately got the sense that I just needed to trust in the timing. Once we had Brewer’s appointment and found out that surgery would be towards the end of May, all the timing seemed to make sense. It would put me at about 18 weeks pregnant—out of the first trimester and feeling better, but not too big yet either.

Now, after Phil’s accident, I’m not sure how this timing will work. I know I have been blessed to feel well during this. There have been minimal times when I have felt like being pregnant has hindered me from being helpful or capable. But when I think about the long term and where we will be when this baby comes it kind of makes me ponder. I guess for now the point is to have faith that the timing is right and that it will all be fine. It will be fine because things will either get easier or we’ll just blessed with a greater capacity to deal with it. I just hope that we will be able to feel lots of joy during this. That it’s not too hard that we can’t still have those moments that drives and motivates me and makes life worth working hard for.

I guess none of that really matters because I have no say. I can’t change anything that is happening so it’s just a matter of coping and enduring this year. What I do know is that I don’t want anyone to ever tell me that I will get an easy baby or that we’ve had enough trails so we deserve a break. Because that is all bull crap. The only person I will ever trust to tell me that will be a heavenly messenger. And if any one else tells me that I might punch them. So if you’re reading this, here’s your warning. Don’t tell me things will be easier or I will hit you. That may seem negative or like I’m having a bad attitude, and I probably am, but sometimes it feels good to be upset for a minute. Sometimes it’s okay to say this SUCKS! This is so HARD!

We did it before, more than with just Brewer’s surgeries. We’ve had experiences, some more private that may not ever be shared, where we have felt despair and stretching of the soul that can be so painful, but we have also felt how the atonement can comfort and ease the pain and change your very being. It’s a humbling and beautiful process. I am very grateful for the person I have become because I know I am better than I was before. I am grateful that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and knows that I need work to become more our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am grateful that I can feel Him working beside me and helping me to endure what seems so hard and so unfair. And I am grateful to know that He will never leave me or give up helping me to become who He wants me to be. I said it with Brewer and I’ll say it again now. I know that His plan for my family and me is more beautiful, amazing and joyful than I could ever dream. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation and the love that I feel from a loving and caring Father in Heaven.