Phil's Story ~ Day 5

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

         I left as early as I could manage to head back to the hospital. JaNea stayed to shower and came up later. When I got there Phil seemed a little anxious. They told me that during the night he was able to tolerate having the vent turned on. They did try to do a spontaneous trial in the early morning and Phil did really well for 5 minutes and then his blood pressure and heart rate got too high and they turned the vent back on. I thought it would be much later during the day before they would try that again. But all of a sudden they were doing one again. I could tell it was work for Phil to breathe through the vent but he was doing well. After about 15 minutes, he started to panic and was spelling out on my hand not to trust the nurse. It was the first kind of strange thing that he had said. Then his heart rate raced again and his blood pressure went clear up and they gave him something through his IV and he immediately was knocked out. It was traumatic to watch him struggle for breath and get worked up to the point where his vitals were unsafe.

After he seemed stable and the million doctors finally left the room, I stepped out of my corner and headed out to waiting room. It was still early so no one was there and I just cried. Up to that point I had just told myself that I needed to be strong and hadn’t let myself have a good cry. Sure tears rolled down my face at different times throughout the day, but I hadn’t released the real emotion that I was suppressing to try to stay strong. But I finally had the chance to let it out. I only intended to stay outside of Phil’s room for 30 minutes, but it took me a lot longer to process and decompress from the events and emotions of the morning.

         The day wore on for a few hours and it seemed like there was going to be no progress with the ventilator. Phil had an amazing nurse that day, David, who was taking great care of Phil and had a lot of experience. It was his perspective that it would most likely not be the day that Phil would be intubated. I decided to take the opportunity to go to Provo for a little while and spend some time with the kids since I hadn’t seen them for more than 20 minutes since Saturday.

         The kids were excited to see me and it was good to be with them. The Runia’s offered to let us stay in their guest house, which was extremely generous. After reuniting with the kids, we took some of our things over the house and had a look around. The kids were thrilled to be so close to “Aunt Tammy” and in a new place. They were so excited tos how me everything. I realized then how tired I was and incapable I was of giving them the attention that they needed. JaNea was awesome and played with them, along with Peder outside, driving their little cars all around the yard. We built legos with them and I mostly just sat and watched hoping just my presence was enough for them to feel mt love.

I called up to the hospital and talked with David to check and see how Phil was doing. He was doing about the same. The team up there thought that maybe they would try to give Phil a new drug to help keep him calm during the spontaneous trial so they could wean down the sedation more. I told him to just let me know whenever they did it, to call me back and let me know what the result was. That was at 4:32 pm. I started to brush my wig out, something that I hadn’t done in over a week and it had turned into a complete rats nest. I sat on the floor of the guesthouse with JaNea and Brewer while they played Legos. At 5:09 I got a call from Phil’s nurse, David. He said, “Hi it’s David, Phil’s nurse in the ICU. I have someone who wants to talk to you.” I was shocked but immediately knew it would be Phil. He said through a voice I didn’t recognize because of the affects of the breathing tube, but I still knew it was him, “Get up here. I love you. I love so much”!  It was Phil!!!! Finally!! My heart was overjoyed. I think I may have been happier to hear his voice and to get to see him than I was on our wedding day. I gathered up the kids, we ran to the cottage to tell whoever was there, loaded up the car seats and we were on our way. Traffic was horrible and the drive seemed to take forever and ever. I just wanted to get to the man I love and see his face finally free of the equipment that was helping keep him alive. I wanted to embrace him and kiss his mouth.

JaNea dropped me off right at the front and I ran through the hospital as fast as I could maneuver around people. A little breathy I repeated his name through the intercom and they quickly let me in. It was the best moment to see him and we kissed, probably a little too long for him and his lungs that were just barely working on their own again, and hugged. It was such a happy moment; one that will always be clear and in my mind.

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    §  7:05 AM: Through the night Phillip was able to handle the gradual reduction of the vent well. However, when they did a spontaneous trial this morning to see if he was ready to be extubated, his heart rate and blood pressure sky rocketed after 5 minutes, meaning he failed the trial and that his body isn't quite ready. It was discouraging and disappointing for sure, but this is something that I actually have experience in with Brewer's hospital stays. Everyone's bodies will respond positively to these trials when they are ready and while it may seem like a set back, it's really not. Taking the vent out and having to put it back in because someone isn't ready would be. They have upped his sedation a little to help get his vitals back to a better place and to help cope with some of the ICUitis, or delirium that they started to see Phil having in the night. Phil also has a small grad fever that they are treating with Tylenol. They said its to be expected after having surgery so they will keep a close eye on it. The doctors will be here this morning for rounds and we will be able to have a better idea what the plan is for today then. In the meantime, I get to put on some regular and CLEAN clothes today thanks to Jill and Barton who dropped off a giant suitcase of clothes from home this morning!! So grateful for wonderful friends!!

    §  7:46 AM: I thought today was going to be a better day and it still could be. But things are feeling awfully heavy this morning. (Also included was the first picture I had posted during this time—just our hands).

    §  5:39 PM: I just got a call from Phil's nurse saying someone wants to talk to you... It was PHIL!!! On my way to see him now.

    §  11:46 PM: If ever there was a day like a roller coaster, today was just that. It started off heavy, the kind of heaviness that makes it hard to breath and function. Then Phil had two failed spontaneous trials, combined with delirium pushed me further down. I left the SICU and sat in the waiting room and cried. That felt good and there was no one around to judge me or feel embarrassed from. I only intended to stay out of the room for 30 minutes, but it took me much longer to bear to go back in. Phil was asleep and so I sat there nervous for him to see me or hear me in fear of making him more anxious and irritable. After a little time I decided it would be a good time to see my boys. I had only seen them once for ten minutes since the accident and I looked forward to their handsome faces brightening my day. I checked with the nurse and he told me the plan for the day. A bunch of stuff, including a spontaneous trial. But no real positive talk about taking the breathing tube out. So I went home. I played with the boys, showered and had some lunch. I called up to the hospital at 4:32 to check in on Phil and they were still working on the breathing. They did another trial and while his vitals remained good, he got delirious and panicky. He told me they might try another drug instead of the sedation the next time. I thanked him for the update and told him to let me know if they try that and then give me a call either way, if it works and even if it doesn't. I kept playing with the kids, trying to brush out my rats nest wig that hadn't been able to be brushed for 6 days when my phone rang. At 5:09 Phil's nurse said "Hey, I've got someone who wants to talk to you." While I knew immediately who that person was, my mind fought to believe it. Then I heard him. It was the best sound ever. Even though it didn't sound like Phil, what he said was very Phil, "Get up here!!! I love you, I love you so much." And so overjoyed I did. I loaded up the kids really quick with my sister and I about went mad driving through all the traffic. But we finally made it and I'll never forget that moment. His arms were free and able to reach out to me. His face wasn't covered in equipment and I could FINALLY kiss his lips. I might have kissed them a little too long, I forgot he was just intubated. But it was good. Everything was good and nothing else mattered at that moment. I road a joyful high the rest of the night. Phil got lots of visitors, had a ton of water, ate some jello, took some oral pain meds, took off the c-collar, and even cracked a joke or two. It was SO GOOD to have him back. He's doing well now. Sleeping hard. They'll monitor the fever and keep an eye on him. Tomorrow he gets to look forward to a day of rest. No surgeries or big events. Just rest. It will be so good.I just have to say thank you to everyone especially today. I felt them and they sustained me in a tangible way. I am so grateful. And with all the faith and encouragement, Phillip was able to be extubated. So glad to have this happy happy day!!