Yesterday was a hard day. I just felt overwhelmed. Even with so much help I feel like I'm struggling to breathe and keep my head above water. I just feel like life would be impossible on my own, after our help is gone. Phil asked me at one point during dinner what was wrong and I told him I was overwhelmed. He asked what I was overwhelmed with, and I said "Life."
Easter dinner was so yummy! I love and miss my Mom's home cooked meals and Easter dinner did not disappoint. But it was during dinner that I sort of started feeling really discouraged. Those moments are interesting. I know it's the adversary, Satan, that puts those overwhelming and discouraging thoughts into our heads. What is interesting about that though, is that for me it just turns me to my Savior and Heavenly Father--it turns me to prayer. So good try Satan, but your efforts just strengthen my relationship with my God. After dinner my Dad took Boyd outside, my Mom cleaned up dinner, and Phil took Brewer. I retreated to my room to change my clothes and bawled. I cried and poured out my emotions to my Heavenly Father. I told him that this was hard and that I was having a hard time. I expressed my fears, which have piled up to be many: that I won't be a good mom to Boyd, that I won't have enough time to be a good wife to Phil or a good homemaker, that I won't be able to meet Brewer's needs. I'm also afraid of the unknown with Brewer. I'm not too afraid of the surgeries he'll have. I think part of that is because we've put our faith in God. It will still be nerve wracking, and we'll feel anxious when he has to have surgeries, but I have time to prepare for them. I'm more afraid of the emergencies that I know will come our way like when Brewer gets sick or when we'll need to life flight him down to Utah. I prayed to have the strength and energy to be able to carry on each day. Part of me feels a little silly for feeling so overwhelmed. Brewer has done SO well. Possibly better than what the doctors expected. So I feel like this shouldn't be so hard, that I should be more capable because this could be a lot worse. I've said it before, I know Heavenly Father will help us and make us equal to the this. I know that He'll make up the difference when it comes to parenting Boyd or being a good wife to Phil. I'm anxious to see how. It will be curious to see how my relationship with Phil continues to grow. I know it will keep growing, but I just don't see how that will work right now. We literally have no time for each other. The time we have goes into either Boyd or Brewer. As time passes I'm sure we'll get a little more time together, but for now the only quiet time we get together is in the morning for prayers before Phil leaves for work.
I felt a little better after I cried and prayed. I was able to talk to my Mom after that as well, which was good. She was real, and it was good to just hear someone acknowledge that my life is hard. What we are going through is hard. Sometimes people just say with the best intentions that things will get better, and I know they will. But yesterday, it was hearing someone else acknowledge the hardship that helped the most. Everyone goes through hard things. My parents have gone through hard things. The same with Phil's parents. Each person has a trial. It doesn't matter if it seems great or insignificant, it's still a trial and that means it's hard.
After we put Boyd to bed, Brewer had another wave of fussiness. It was also the time of day that we hook him up to the oximeter to check his oxygen saturation levels. They were LOW. He usually sits around 88 on average, and he was falling below the acceptable range of 75 and even dipping briefly into the 60's. We were afraid, and it was frustrating. We were trying to figure out if we were getting a good read from the machine. We were trying to figure out how much tylenol we could give him and find a thermometer we could use to check his temp under his arm. Plus we were scrambling to get the oxygen out and set up to use since his levels were getting so low. I was feeling sick from the adrenaline and anxiety, and Phil was getting frustrated. We put the oxygen on him and his levels increased. That brought some comfort and helped us to know that we were getting an accurate read from the machine. Our wonderful friend Audrey rushed over with her baby thermometers, and I was able to call my awesome cousin, Jessica in AZ, who is a nurse, to have her help us figure out the dosing of the tylenol.
The anxiety lasted a little while and then we started to feel better about things. We think Brewer has some sort of cold since Phil and Boyd have both been sick. We think that's why his oxygen has dropped. But it was so scary. We called the on-call high-risk clinic practitioner and got instructions of when we needed to head to the hospital. Besides the low oxygen levels, he looked and was doing well. The night was uneventful, and he slept well.
It was very frustrating to us that Boyd and Phil got sick. We were doing everything in our power to stay healthy. Besides Phil, no one has left the house or been around other people to pick up germs. We have hand sanitizer in every room and use it all the time. With every prayer we ask that we can stay healthy. Now we're praying for health and that Brewer especially can be healthy. Boyd is already feeling better, and Phil is on the mend too. I'm glad that things haven't progressed worse for Brewer, but it's scary knowing that if he gets a respiratory infection we'll be back in the hospital.
Today was a good day. Brewer seemed to be more comfortable, and I really felt like I was doing a good job taking care of him. My Mom was a huge help and helped burp him and hold him so I could shower and take a nap. But he just seemed a lot better today. His oxygen levels were back up to high 70's and low 80's. I felt like today Heavenly Father was trying to build up my confidence and let me know that I was capable. I'm still scared of how things are going to be when all our help leaves, to be by myself in my house with Boyd and Brewer, but it will be fine. I'll have to grow and stretch more and I'll be more tired. But maybe by then we'll get into an even better routine and Brewer will be sleeping a little better at night. For now we'll just try to continue to have faith. I am grateful that I can turn to my Heavenly Father in prayer and express all of my concerns. He understands and is so willing to help us and bless us. I am grateful that my relationship with my family and friends has been strengthened, but most of all I'm grateful for how my relationship with my Heavenly Father has become even stronger.
Pictures to come....running out of time in the day!!!
Easter dinner was so yummy! I love and miss my Mom's home cooked meals and Easter dinner did not disappoint. But it was during dinner that I sort of started feeling really discouraged. Those moments are interesting. I know it's the adversary, Satan, that puts those overwhelming and discouraging thoughts into our heads. What is interesting about that though, is that for me it just turns me to my Savior and Heavenly Father--it turns me to prayer. So good try Satan, but your efforts just strengthen my relationship with my God. After dinner my Dad took Boyd outside, my Mom cleaned up dinner, and Phil took Brewer. I retreated to my room to change my clothes and bawled. I cried and poured out my emotions to my Heavenly Father. I told him that this was hard and that I was having a hard time. I expressed my fears, which have piled up to be many: that I won't be a good mom to Boyd, that I won't have enough time to be a good wife to Phil or a good homemaker, that I won't be able to meet Brewer's needs. I'm also afraid of the unknown with Brewer. I'm not too afraid of the surgeries he'll have. I think part of that is because we've put our faith in God. It will still be nerve wracking, and we'll feel anxious when he has to have surgeries, but I have time to prepare for them. I'm more afraid of the emergencies that I know will come our way like when Brewer gets sick or when we'll need to life flight him down to Utah. I prayed to have the strength and energy to be able to carry on each day. Part of me feels a little silly for feeling so overwhelmed. Brewer has done SO well. Possibly better than what the doctors expected. So I feel like this shouldn't be so hard, that I should be more capable because this could be a lot worse. I've said it before, I know Heavenly Father will help us and make us equal to the this. I know that He'll make up the difference when it comes to parenting Boyd or being a good wife to Phil. I'm anxious to see how. It will be curious to see how my relationship with Phil continues to grow. I know it will keep growing, but I just don't see how that will work right now. We literally have no time for each other. The time we have goes into either Boyd or Brewer. As time passes I'm sure we'll get a little more time together, but for now the only quiet time we get together is in the morning for prayers before Phil leaves for work.
I felt a little better after I cried and prayed. I was able to talk to my Mom after that as well, which was good. She was real, and it was good to just hear someone acknowledge that my life is hard. What we are going through is hard. Sometimes people just say with the best intentions that things will get better, and I know they will. But yesterday, it was hearing someone else acknowledge the hardship that helped the most. Everyone goes through hard things. My parents have gone through hard things. The same with Phil's parents. Each person has a trial. It doesn't matter if it seems great or insignificant, it's still a trial and that means it's hard.
After we put Boyd to bed, Brewer had another wave of fussiness. It was also the time of day that we hook him up to the oximeter to check his oxygen saturation levels. They were LOW. He usually sits around 88 on average, and he was falling below the acceptable range of 75 and even dipping briefly into the 60's. We were afraid, and it was frustrating. We were trying to figure out if we were getting a good read from the machine. We were trying to figure out how much tylenol we could give him and find a thermometer we could use to check his temp under his arm. Plus we were scrambling to get the oxygen out and set up to use since his levels were getting so low. I was feeling sick from the adrenaline and anxiety, and Phil was getting frustrated. We put the oxygen on him and his levels increased. That brought some comfort and helped us to know that we were getting an accurate read from the machine. Our wonderful friend Audrey rushed over with her baby thermometers, and I was able to call my awesome cousin, Jessica in AZ, who is a nurse, to have her help us figure out the dosing of the tylenol.
The anxiety lasted a little while and then we started to feel better about things. We think Brewer has some sort of cold since Phil and Boyd have both been sick. We think that's why his oxygen has dropped. But it was so scary. We called the on-call high-risk clinic practitioner and got instructions of when we needed to head to the hospital. Besides the low oxygen levels, he looked and was doing well. The night was uneventful, and he slept well.
It was very frustrating to us that Boyd and Phil got sick. We were doing everything in our power to stay healthy. Besides Phil, no one has left the house or been around other people to pick up germs. We have hand sanitizer in every room and use it all the time. With every prayer we ask that we can stay healthy. Now we're praying for health and that Brewer especially can be healthy. Boyd is already feeling better, and Phil is on the mend too. I'm glad that things haven't progressed worse for Brewer, but it's scary knowing that if he gets a respiratory infection we'll be back in the hospital.
Today was a good day. Brewer seemed to be more comfortable, and I really felt like I was doing a good job taking care of him. My Mom was a huge help and helped burp him and hold him so I could shower and take a nap. But he just seemed a lot better today. His oxygen levels were back up to high 70's and low 80's. I felt like today Heavenly Father was trying to build up my confidence and let me know that I was capable. I'm still scared of how things are going to be when all our help leaves, to be by myself in my house with Boyd and Brewer, but it will be fine. I'll have to grow and stretch more and I'll be more tired. But maybe by then we'll get into an even better routine and Brewer will be sleeping a little better at night. For now we'll just try to continue to have faith. I am grateful that I can turn to my Heavenly Father in prayer and express all of my concerns. He understands and is so willing to help us and bless us. I am grateful that my relationship with my family and friends has been strengthened, but most of all I'm grateful for how my relationship with my Heavenly Father has become even stronger.
Pictures to come....running out of time in the day!!!
4 comments:
Oh Jerai I could tell by the sound of your voice last night that it had been a rough day. Adjusting to another baby is hard enough as it is...I seriously can not imagine what it is like adjusting to everything else on top of that! But I think that whatever problems you run into with Brewer you and Phil will be able to handle. You are both so capable and smart and, most importantly, in tune with the Spirit. You will always be able to handle things. Not that it will be easy, but I know you can do it. And like you said, Heavenly Father will compensate when He needs to. :) I will pray that Brewer doesn't get any sicker. I'm so glad your parents are there with you right now! Love you!
Jerai, you are an inspiration to me. You have such a strong spirit and are so capable of this trial that Heavenly Father has given you! You are amazing! We pray for you and your little family daily. We love you so very much and I know the Lord is blessing you daily. Give your boys a hug from us, hang in there, I'm sure that it will get better!
Sending much love and many prayers your way!!!!!!!
I just got done reading your post and received my lds.org inspirations quote for the day. Thought I would share.
"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service, because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right, to bear us up. And He always keeps His word."
—President Henry B. Eyring, "Mountains to Climb", General Conference, Apr. 2012
Keep believing, keep praying and know that everyone that loves you is praying too.
Jerai, hi. I'm friends with your cousins, and I've been following Brewer's story on facebook. I think you're amazing, and your whole family, too.
My little girl was born with some serious complications almost three years ago, and I remember feeling these same feelings when she finally made her way home with us. It. is. hard.
Sometimes, it's hard to admit that you're having a hard time, especially when you're the kind of person who looks on the bright side, and who recognizes and counts blessings from a loving Heavenly Father. What right do you have to complain when you've been the recipient to so many miracles in such a short space of time? I'm not telling you that you should start complaining- but I'm trying to tell you that it is ok to acknowledge how hard this is.
Don't forget that you're new to this two-kids-thing. You've just given birth, and you still need to recover. Don't ignore your needs, especially emotionally. Often, after the stress of NICU stays, moms keep running on adrenaline and ignore their need to rest, recover, recuperate, and renew. Especially while you have your parents there, don't be afraid to rely on them and others for care not only for the boys, but for you too. And make sure you are keeping up with your physician in case of post-partum depression or even post-traumatic stress.
I really admire your insights, and it's been really poignant for me to read them, remembering all the miracles we experienced, and all the ways our loving Heavenly Father showered us with blessings during a really hard time.
I want to tell you that it gets easier. Eventually, you will settle down into a routine, including doctor's appointments and illnesses, and it will seem as if you always had it under control. Eventually, you will feel more confident in parenting a child with special needs, and you will find that you have more compassion and understanding of other mothers' situations, too.
You can do it! You have the help of your Heavenly Father, and I feel certain that there are angels assisting in situations like this. It will be ok. It's hard, but it gets easier- I promise!
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