Leading Up to the Glenn

I have so much to write about and find it odd that now, while Brewer is recovering from major surgery, is the only time that I have had to actually sit down and write. Blogging became very therapeutic for me and I have missed that. I feel like many times while I have written a blog I have felt inspired. 

The month of June was hard. I can honestly say that I wasn't myself and very different person. I'm not sure why or how, but I found myself feeling very depressed and found it hard to find happiness. And I also felt very guilty for feeling that way, since we have been blessed so greatly. I have to say how grateful I am to Phil. I know it was an extremely hard time for him. I'm sure he didn't want to be at home around me, I wasn't the most pleasant person. But I asked him to bear with me as I sorted out what I was going through and tried to snap out of it. Eventually I did. Thankfully. It was sort of interesting though of how that happened. One week I started to have some good moments and even some good days. Friday ended up being the best day I had in a long time, very close to normal. I think I even showered and found some time to clean parts of my house. In the evening the Bishop called us and asked to speak in church. I felt as if my day was ruined and started to freak out. He didn't say we had to speak, but to think about it and get back to him in the morning. I was sort of mad. I don't mind speaking in church but was frustrated that I only had one day to prepare (normally I like at least a week). But we prayed about and we felt that it was something we needed to do, that it was time to share Brewer's story with our ward. Thankfully, it wasn't too hard to talk about Brewer and the experiences we've been through. I was able to go back through my blog and re-read the posts about him. I think that's what ended up being the trick to snap me out of my depression or whatever it was. As we headed in church and finally spoke, I realized how inspired the Bishop was to ask us to speak. It was what I needed and for whatever reason it worked. I am so grateful for that. However, I still am a little embarrassed that I spoke for 25 minutes....I'm sure everyone was ready for me to be done long before that.

We love having Brewer around our house. He is such a neat little boy and we all love him so much. I love watching Boyd interact with him. Boyd loves him and prays for his oxygen and heart in all his prayers. It touches my heart each time I listen to him. Brewer in return loves everyone back. He offers smile after smile to those around him. There have been a few extra special moments around here. The other day I was giving Brewer a bath and listening to Paul Cardall's new CD, New Life. There is one song that he wrote about a little girl named Gracie who had HLHS but passed at 11 months old. The song is amazing and speaks of the uniqueness of these babies souls who have this syndrome. It's beautiful. As I listened to that song, I couldn't help but to be impressed of what a special little boy Brewer is and how lucky we are to have him. The other day Phil was holding Brewer in the kitchen and I sat down to have a little break from cleaning. Brewer would not stop looking at me and trying to find me. It was a connection that we made that was different and special. It's hard to describe, but that little boy knows more and his soul speaks through his eyes.

The weeks leading up to the Glenn in June and July were a little crazy. I again realized that with Brewer it's always something. He had gained weight so well, but then all of a sudden sort of lost his appetite and wouldn't eat very well. They had us put him back on progestimil and after a week he was done and refused it. I don't blame him, that stuff is Nasty! But he did gain good weight that week. I am so grateful for the amazing Nurse Practitioner's, Bonnie, Sonja, and Annie who are so helpful and always available. I believe Phil was inspired and suggested that we try and up the bottle nipple size to a size 3. It took a few days of using both a size 2 and 3 for him to be able to handle the larger size better. Once he was, he starting eating more and gaining good weight again. We were thrilled when he reached 14 lbs! 

The week before the Glenn we headed down to Utah for Brewer's heart cath and sedated echo. That experience was terrible and stressed me out like crazy!  We couldn't feed Brewer before the echo and I was so worried he was just going to cry and cry. But again I was able to see divine intervention and help that made that part work. The cath and echo both looked really good, but Brewer had a really hard time coming off the anesthesia and we ended up having to stay the night. Looking back it wasn't that big of a deal and actually probably made the next day easier. Tuesday morning we were able to do everything to get him registered for surgery, blood work, urine sample, physical, and chest x-ray. And almost all of that we were able to do in his little room. Phil's Mom spent all of Monday with me and Phil's brother, Steve came up and helped me with the chest x-ray and took me home. I'm so grateful to be part of such a wonderful family who loves us, loves Brewer, and is willing and ready to help.

Phil came back down Wednesday afternoon and we were able to spend the rest of the day together as a family. In the evening we had dinner and were able to give both Brewer and myself a blessing. We were so anxious to get on with the Glenn, to get out of the "high risk" period and hopefully move on phase two which sounds like it's more normal. But at the same time it was extremely difficult to send out happy, pleasant, chubby, not sickly looking baby back into surgery. We didn't sleep much that night.

Pictures from the last few months: