I hesitate to write this post because I'm afraid I cannot capture my true to feelings. I'm afraid it will sound like I'm complaining. Up until the Glenn Brewer has done so extremely well and I know that there are so many kiddos who are far worse off than Brewer. I have come to know some of them while we've been staying at Primary's. In fact, I am blessed to get a glimpse into Matthew's life, a 4 year old boy who is waiting for his second heart. Today marked their 100th day in the hospital, waiting. I am humbled and in awe of this boy and especially his mother. She is amazingly strong, grounded, and inspiring. I look at other's who are struggling and it makes me guilty for feeling like what we're going through is hard. There is another boy in the CICU who was born just a few days after Brewer and had the Damus just a few days after Brewer as well. He ended up having the Glenn a week before Brewer and is still in the CICU, struggling. All of these things put our problems into perspective. I feel pathetic that I can't handle this better. And at the same time I know I shouldn't feel like that. Because I know that I am doing the very best that I can.
But what do you when your best isn't enough? All that you give doesn't seem to be adequate.
I was up at the hospital for 33 hours straight. I know my body well enough to know that if I don't get enough rest or sleep I'll get sick. Me getting sick (aside from Brewer getting sick) would be worse case scenario for our family. I struggled and even disagreed with Phil about leaving Brewer overnight so I could get some good rest. He's so much better off with me there. I can get him to sleep easier, I know how he likes to be held, I can get him to eat better, and he just knows me. He knows when I'm there. So how can i possibly leave?
I did today and cried all the way home. Before I left I prayed for angles to be in his room and for the spirit to bring peace and comfort. Then when I got home I held Boyd and I cried too. My heart aches to be with these two boys. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart when Boyd cries when I leave and begs me to go home. And it breaks again when I get to the hospital and Brewer has been upset.
It's so hard to watch Brewer suffer. I know what a sweet boy he is and that makes it so much worse. At this point I don't know what else to do. Today as we were waiting to start his sedated echo I was holding him and bouncing him in my arms to help keep him calm. As I was doing that, I felt my bicep ripping in my left arm. That muscle was so tired and needed a break, but that wasn't an option. I'm so physically spent. And I'm emotionally drained, which makes me more physically tired. The nurses up there are amazing and saw the need for me to have a break. But I feel pathetic that I need a break. Why can't I keep up?
I'm reaching, from the floor of exhaustion, heavenwards. It's the only thing I know left to do. On my drive home I felt very alone in what I was experiencing, in the feelings I was having, and in all the way I was being torn. But I thought of my Savior who does know. That brings me comfort to know someone knows exactly how I feel. I don't have to try to explain to Him, He knows. And I believe I will be pulled up and then lifted even higher. Part of me doesn't want tomorrow to come because just thinking of doing another day adds to the exhaustion. But I don't have a choice, so once again I need to put my trust and faith in my Savior. He will make it possible for me to accomplish what is necessary. He will lift me and then carry me through this hard time. Very soon I'll be able to share how.
8 comments:
I found your blog through instagram and although I do not know you, I pray for you. For your sweet boy. For your family. Your honesty is beautiful.
Oh Jerai! I know this is so draining. Please take care and know that tomorrow is another day and tons of people are thinking and praying for you. I appreciate your sharing your thoughts. V
Hey Jerai, we've met a few times-- I grew up in Schinder's ward in VA, and every now and then I click over to your blog from Jessica's.
I feel like I'm eavesdropping to read your story from afar, but it is a blessing to me in the things I am also dealing with, to see you press forward with such courage, faith, and reliance on the Lord. He choses to stretch us, and sometimes we feel we might break. But I know, and it's a strength to me to see that you know it, too, that these experiences to bring joy. Somehow, even through the tears, you can always sense His profound love, and feel the bond you have with Him growing stronger.
I'm so sorry to see your beautiful baby boy suffering. I'm sure the angels never leave his side. Thank you for sharing your precious story.
Love and prayers for all you,
Kathy
Friend of Jenna R. here. I think that you are being a little hard on yourself. As moms, aren't we all? I know it's easier said than done, but I too often feel like I should be stronger, happier, more thankful or complain less and trust me, my kids are not in the hospital but home happy and healthy as they can be. I truly am amazed at how strong you are, although you don't feel like it. I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch your little baby go through surgeries, be in pain, not eating well, leaving your toddler for days and night while your best friend, your husband is not by your side. Only a strong person can handle it the way you do. Don't feel bad about complaining a little, you are a human. You are not perfect and you are doing your best. Stay strong, a lot of prayers goes your way daily. And vent all you need if it helps. Don't forget that yes, you are a mom, but you are still a human.
I love you and admire you so much, Jerai. You are handling this so much better than you realize. You are my hero!
oh jerai! i just don't know what to do for you. know that we are praying for you and all your family. you are so amazing, and you are exactly the mother that your boys need. heavenly father picked you as boyd and brewer's mother, and He will help you. i know it. you are comparing your worst to other people's best. get some sleep. i love you. it was so good to see you. hopefully we can visit again soon.
Jerai- reading this makes me cry! I wish I could somehow take your pain and ease your burden. I'm so sorry that Brewer has been having such a hard time and so sad that it's been so hard on you and your family. I can't imagine feeling torn like you are, between Boyd at home and Brewer at the hospital. It would be so tough. Hang in there! I know that the Lord is with you and wants to help you get through this. I know you can do it! I love you and I admire you so much!!
Jerai,
I read your blog yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since. You have a way to put into words the feelings that so many of us have had at different times and with different trials. Your line "But what do you when your best isn't enough? All that you give doesn't seem to be adequate." jumped off the page at me....the answer to that line describes and explains the beauty of the Atonement of Jesus Christ perfectly. Not a single one of us in mortality will every be able to give our best and have it be adequate; to be perfect. That is the beauty, because, our "best" is always adequate, because where we fall short, the Savior's Atonement steps in and makes up the difference! It doesn't matter if our best is an inch or a mile....our loving Heavenly Father will be the judge of that, and the Savior's Atonement will be the difference, all we need to do is our best. When we talked and I said that I wished I could take this burden from you, take it all away....you said that if I could do that, you would probably wish to have it all back. You are wise beyond your years, and I am so proud of you and Phil in how you are handling this specific challenge for your little family, and for your precious little Brewer, who is perfect for Heavenly Father's purpose. I am so thankful that you can recognize the love of the Savior and of your Heavenly Father and know without a doubt, that your best is adequate, and then some. I love you. mom
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