Week One At Home

Being at home has brought a whole new set of challenges. If I thought I was being stretched time wise while Brewer was in the hospital, I was wrong. At least when he was in the hospital I could leave each evening knowing he was in the best hands. I didn't worry too much about him and the care he was getting and that provided me with a break mentally and physically. Now I have to convince myself that my hands are the best hands for him to be in. That is very hard sometimes. There have been a few moments since we've been home, when Brewer has been crying and nothing we do seems to help much, when I wish I could send him back to Primary's so they could work their magic and make him comfortable. But I know that is not what's best. Easier, yes. But really it's not what we want. So once again, we're being stretched.

Even though we are so happy that we are home it's been hard to be at home for so many reasons. I learned very quickly that I needed to prioritize my time. Here are the things on the top of my list. Taking care of Brewer: feedings, diaper changes, giving meds, and rocking him when he's grumpy. Pumping. Feeding Boyd. Those are the things that have to get done and I try to do the best I can. The next is probably eating and drinking enough. This usually only happens when I find a spare free minute or I start to feel shaky. Showering and hygiene are suffering severely right now. Call me gross but I think two showers a week is great. Maybe once we develop a better routine I can add in a couple more. But until then, if you see me, please don't judge me. =) Or do. I really don't care because I'm just trying to survive.

Part of being home that's been hard has been the change in spiritual experiences and the way in which we have felt our Savior in our lives. While the whole experience at PCMC was terrifying and very hard, we felt so much love from our Savior and from others as SO many people prayed for Brewer and our family. It was an experience that I will not forget, cannot, ever forget or deny. And I am so grateful for it, for the strength it gave us to get through those weeks in Utah. But now being home I don't feel that anymore. I don't feel lifted or buoyed. I don't feel like my prayers are being answer like they were before. This has been very hard for me. Don't get me wrong. I know our prayers are being answered. I know the Lord hasn't forgotten us. I know he's still very much involved and aware of us. I just can't feel it the same. It may be a lesson for me. I probably need to slow down (but can I?) and take the time to ponder. I know there must be something for me to learn, probably patience and trusting in the Lord--I feel like those are lessons I must learn over and over. But they are good lessons to learn. Important ones. I just barely started reading "Before My Heart Stops" by Paul Cardall. He wrote a memoir about his life and the process of getting a heart transplant. I haven't read much, but so far I have really enjoyed it. He has a great perspective and so inspiring. One thing that has stood out to me is a paragraph where he said that he was grateful for his heart defect. Wait, what? I always thought that people were crazy for being grateful for their challenges and trials. But he explained that it kept him close to his Savior. That has certainly been true for me so far and I know we will need to continually rely on Him. I hope everyone in my family can feel that way throughout our lives, especially Brewer. I hope that we can raise him to know his Savior and trust in Him and in His plan for Brewer. I don't want Brewer to grow up and be bitter about the difficult challenge that is his. I want him to develop a deep love and gratitude for our Savior and Heavenly Father. I want that for everyone in my family. I hope as my children grow up I can teach them to live the right way. I'm excited for them. I'm excited to share my testimony with them, to teach them about the plan of salvation, and to help them feel Heavenly Father's love for them.

I talked to my Mom last night on the phone. It was just after we had a bad crying fit from Brewer--very stressful and emotionally and physically trying. Phil was upstairs with Brewer and I just wanted to bawl. I expressed my concerns to my Mom and how I was having a hard time handling being home and not feeling strengthened like I did before. I was glad to be able to express that out loud. I almost felt guilty for feeling that way. I was worried that people were forgetting about us and had stopped praying for us. But those thoughts made me feel like a selfish person too. I can't exactly remember what my Mom said, but I was glad to talk to her. She said that she was going to pray harder and that she was going to go to the temple too. About an hour later when I was in bed, I checked my email and some messages. There were at least three messages that said they hadn't forgotten us and were still praying for us. They were casual emails and messages, but sent directly from heaven.

Yesterday we had a good afternoon, terrible evening, and a pretty good night. Today has been good. I hesitate to say that because I'm afraid that we'll get hit with something hard. But I have to say it because it's a blessing. I can't deny the blessings we are receiving and I'm going to try to be aware of more of them because I know they are coming. I'm afraid I have taken advantage of my amazing family my whole life, my husbands family too. I have always known how wonderful, supportive, and loving they are but I'm starting to believe that is unique. I don't know what I would have done without my family through this. They have been an enormous source of strength and have done so much to support and help us our family through this. I don't think everyone has that same support. 

My Dad drove from Oregon (12 hours) on Sunday to help out. It's been so great to have him. The biggest help he's been is with Boyd. He pretty much just plays with him all day. Boyd's having a great time. They are even sharing a room right now. Last night I noticed that my Dad got up with Boyd and took him potty. And it seems like Boyd and Brewer time needing wiped and crying right at the same time, so my Dad's been able to help with that too. It's such a huge help. The couple of days it's been nice they have been able to play outside, something I really can't do right now because of Brewer. But it's so good for Boyd to be able to get out of the house and get rid of some of his energy. They ride bikes together and golf in the yard together. They are a pretty perfect pair. I am so grateful for my Dad. It's a lot of work taking care and playing with a three year old. I know Boyd wears me out and I couldn't imagine having to take care of Brewer and all of Boyd's needs! As I watch my Dad play with Boyd I am overwhelmed of how blessed I am to have such a great father. I know we played together the same way when I was little. He worked long hours, often getting up way before the sun. But when he came home in the evening he always made time for me and the rest of my siblings. We are so lucky to have such an amazing father.