Another Tender Mercy

It's amazing.

I can't stop being blown away by how involved my Heavenly Father is in my life and especially in the last few weeks...no months...okay for forever. I feel like I need to write down one experience I had today that testified once again to me that my Heavenly Father knows me, knows what I'm going through and knows exactly how to help and lift me up.

Even though the last two days have been good, I've been a little sad about not being able to hold my baby. He's 11 days old today and I've held him twice. Once the day he was born and once two days after that, the day before his surgery. I've sat beside him countless times, talked to him, and sung to him. That part has been good. But I've also tried to build a physical connection, so he would recognize my touch and my hand; but I felt like that wasn't working. It just seemed like he didn't want to be touched. I'm sure part of it was that his little body was uncomfortable, sore and tender from all he's been through. I can't blame him for that. He would flinch or draw his leg, arm or hand away each time it was touched. I would try to hold his hand, but his little hand would open clear up, and as long as there was contact it would stay stiff and open. 

Today that changed.

Brewer was very peaceful today. He slept nearly the whole time we were there (with some help from the sedative he's on), but you could tell he was much more comfortable. I couldn't get over how good he looked, it made me smile over and over. I spent more time than usual up at his bedside and he didn't mind me stroking his hair and resting my hand on his tiny head. He didn't mind when I felt his fingers. He even held onto my finger and I wasn't going to move an inch in fear he would let go. All of these things brought so much joy to my soul. But it was when he would make a sad face, from a sad thought or from pain, and I could rub his head and whisper to him and it would help him relax that I felt like he knew me. That he loved me. And that was a direct answer to my prayers. It took a small ache from my heart and I am so grateful for that. I don't want to forget it. And I don't think I will. The picture of his little hand wrapped around my finger is still burning within me.

I'm still nervous for how he'll be when he comes off the sedation. If he'll be grumpy and cry a lot. I'm afraid with all his lines and not being able to hold him, how I can help him. I'm even a little afraid to hold him. I feel like he's so fragile with having had surgery that I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to do anything to cause him any more pain. But I do know that the Lord is aware of me and what troubles me. He's listening. He hears what's in my heart even when it's not spoken. 

It was also a good day because Phil came back today.